Telescope
by Sakura Lawliet
Summary: 'Find me.' Dan did exactly what Phil asked of him every single time; Dan looked for Phil through his telescope. Even when Dan knew he would never find Phil in the stars, it was rather impossible...


**Fanfiction:** _Telescope  
_ **Category:** _Web Shows (YouTube)  
_ **Chapter:** _0  
_ **Author:** _Sakura Lawliet  
_ **Editor:** _Quietgirl117 (Wattpad)  
_ **Word Count:** _1,818_

 **Disclaimer:** _I do not own YouTube (obviously) or any of it's users. I especially do not own Dan (danisnotonfire) or Phil (AmazingPhil). I only take credit for the plot and the story._

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Dan was never one for sentimental or emotional attachment. Dan was more of a 'have what you need' sort of person. He never cared about preserving memories or remembering 'precious' moments; he lived only in the present.

At least, that's what he wanted to believe.

One thing Dan hated the most was his past. He hated to reminisce. As a result, he made sure to strip his walls, and everything of color. Anything that would remind him of a memory, he made sure to discard.

Anything that reminded Dan of _him_ needed to be out of sight.

An exception was the box underneath his bed. A box full of the things that _he_ gave him. Things Dan couldn't bring himself to throw away. Even if they were memories he wished to forget, they were stubborn ones; ones that held their place in his heart so tightly they seemed to strangle and pain him every time he even thought to eliminate them.

This box was like the only light; it was the only color in Dan's room of grey and black with it's dark navy self. Which is why Dan was insistent that it stay hidden under his bed. It would draw too much attention anywhere else.

But... tonight was a special day. It was _his_ birthday. And every year on this day, Dan was compelled to pull out the dark navy box.

The room was dark, when Dan decided to finally pull it out, for he had left the lights off. He sat in the middle of his bedroom floor, navy box settled in front of him. He had the window open, the moon and starry night sky illuminating almost his entire room in a soft white glow as the cold, crisp winter wind blew shivers down his spine.

 _The night skies in the winter are always the most beautiful_ , Dan would remember _him_ saying as he stared intently at the innocent, navy box.

Navy. The color of the night sky. The color of the deepest parts of the ocean.

The color of _his_ eyes. _Phil Lester's_ eyes.

Dan swallowed thickly, reaching out to the navy box with already numb fingers. His fingers softly traced the top of the thin, but long lengthwise, navy box, fitting them underneath the lid after a silent, frozen moment. Dan took a deep breath before opening the box.

The one thing besides Phil's eyes that Dan remembers most about him, is his kindness, his generosity. His love.

Phil shared Dan's love of the stars, the night sky.

And with that love, came the present that every year Dan would put together and take apart all on the same day; this day.

Dan still remembers the day Phil bumped into him with the box in his arms. Goofy smile, goofy face and all. His ocean blues sparkling with a mischief and excitement that Dan couldn't understand, but he didn't care, Dan was just so happy to see that wide smile again that so obviously made Phil, _Phil_.

It was on his birthday, Dan's June 11th birthday of 2007. He was turning 16 that day and wasn't expecting anything really, Dan was just hoping for a sudden year of wisdom to just apply itself into his brain so he could be useful. Useful to Phil, so Dan could help him.

Help break Phil from his depression, because Dan was so ashamed to admit that he didn't know how to. And every single time he thought about it, even to this day, he loathes himself more, his heart aching so painfully at the thought of how terrible a friend he was that he couldn't even help his best friend. The same best friend that always could pull Dan from his own depressing cloud of self depreciation, disgust and sadness.

But when Phil was suddenly running into him with a grin so wide it looked painful and the most beautiful glimmers of exhilaration in his eyes, that was so far from the downcasted dead stares and hollow faced boy that he use to be, Dan was so relieved.

Phil didn't look like that haunted boy anymore. That boy haunted by his mother's lost fight to cancer and had nightmares about it still, every single night. The same nights that he refused Dan to see his wrecked self.

And even though Dan worried how Phil jumped back into the bright and colorful boy he was before so suddenly, he ignored it. He was just so glad that Phil was back.

His Phil was back.

And back he was, with a precious gift. One that Dan, to this day, still doesn't understand how Phil obtained, but was still oh so grateful for nonetheless.

And all night long, Dan remembers them putting the present together. The laughter still rings in Dan's brain. The smiles and happy air still felt real even now as they finished their night-long project.

Dan's telescope.

And the stars were just so absolutely gorgeous that night when they tested Dan's new telescope for the first time. And to Dan, it was the last time that they would ever seem as beautiful as they had that night.

But it was when Dan pulled away and looked back at Phil, there was instantly a sting of pain in his heart at the very tired look that Dan noticed was etched into the stormy blues of Phil's striking orbs. There was something obviously wrong, but Dan decided to ignore it when Phil suddenly looked away and asked that they finally get some rest from their nightly activities that ended in the early morning hours of the next day.

There was something obviously wrong, when Phil pulled Dan into his chest and cuddled into his neck.

Dan just wishes that he could have been smart for the 16 year old that he used to be so he could have at least done something.

Because between 2am, the time he fell asleep in Phil's warm embrace, and 5am when Dan woke up cold in his bed, even though it was June, he realized he was alone. Phil wasn't sharing his body warmth anymore. Phil was gone.

And he never came back.

All that was left of Phil was a sticky note on the lens of Dan's telescope that read in a somewhat elegant, but sloppy penmanship: ' _Find me_.'

And now, it was 2012, Dan spending his day alone celebrating Phil's birthday for a fifth time. Dan did exactly what Phil asked of him every single time; Dan looked for Phil through his telescope. Even when Dan knew he would never find Phil in the stars, it was rather impossible, Dan also knew it would be the nearest thing to ever being close to the black haired male.

Dan always compared Phil's eyes to the starry sky, so it would only make sense to look into the starry sky in order to look into Phil's eyes when he wasn't physically here for Dan to use. No one knows where Phil is and Dan's heart was still broken into the little pieces it's always been in since he was told, over and over again that Phil was gone and wasn't coming back.

It never stopped Dan from looking for Phil through his telescope, because it was the only thing that did bring back Phil.

If only the memories of Phil.

Like Phil sticking his tongue out when he giggled and laughed. Like when his blue eyes sparkled so brightly in the sunlight and even more in the moonlight. Like when he tripped over himself in ways that seemed so impossible, but with Phil was so obviously possible. Like Phil's mismatched socks and how he would somehow leave them in Dan's room whenever he ended up spending the night.

Even the terrible memories were good memories to Dan now. Phil's even paler, deathly stricken face, with dark circles and hollow cheeks were precious. Phil crying with puffy, red, and swollen eyes and broken sobs were now memories cherished by Dan.

Because any Phil was better than no Phil.

Having no Phil was torturous with all these memories.

And so, now that Dan was 20 years of age, he's finally made a decision.

He was done waiting. He was done living in the memories of his telescope. Reliving every memory of Phil was becoming more and more degrading, even in the one day, every year he allows himself to come back to them.

Tomorrow he was leaving. He would be leaving his hometown for good. He would be giving away his telescope to some distant relative that was interested in it.

Dan would be leaving Phil behind, just like how Phil left him behind all those years ago.

Dan can't regret this anymore and most of all, he can't keep putting this off on the sliver of hope that Phil might come back to him.

Because Phil was gone.

 _Phil was gone._

Dan bit his lip as he had his eye peering through the telescope. Dan was aware of the sudden blurriness that warped his vision and he sucked in a deep shaky breath.

 _The sky was so beautiful tonight_ , Dan told himself as he openly let his tears warm his rosy cheeks, numb from the cold, winter night wind.

Although, Dan was interrupted at the sound of a car pulling into his driveway which he heard distinctly through his opened window. Dan furrowed his eyebrows, pulling away from his telescope as he wiped the tears from his eyes with his hand.

Dan wondered if his parents had came to check on him because he did say this was the last time he would be here. Dan walked down to the front door, wondering why his parents hadn't come in already as he collected all the wits he could.

Dan opened the door, ready to call out, but froze when his brown eyes meet with navy blue orbs instantly filled with surprise. Navy orbs that not only matched the box up in his room he just pulled out, but also matched the starry night sky.

Dan felt his own eyes widen in shock as his heart speed up in recognition, completely unaware of the stranger's arm going back to his side from getting ready to knock on the door.

They smiled sheepishly in return, blue eyes swirling in pent up emotions that were so varied that Dan couldn't pick out any from his own panicked state. A wide grin spread across their face, eyes fading into a soft and warm blue-green, something so familiar to Dan that it made the tears come back within seconds; spilling uncaringly down his cheeks.

Then Dan found himself wrapped in Phil's arms again. Still so warm and secure as Dan remembers; he trembled, feeling his legs collapse underneath himself, but Phil held him up. He always did, even when he wasn't there...

"Have you found me now, Dan?"

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 **Originally posted on Wattpad the seventh of February, 2017. To visit my Wattpad, the link is in my bio.**

 **This story was inspired by the song _Telescope_ , by Starset.**

 **To visit my editor's Wattpad, the link is in my bio.**

 **I hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading,**

 **~ Sakura**


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